Shattered.

Going into our FET (frozen embryo transfer) we knew this was it. We had three frozen embryos (often referred to as embabies in the infertility world) remaining. My clinic had told us that I needed to have two periods (since our miscarriage in December) prior to beginning our FET.

The day my dad passed away…my period arrived. Allowing us to move forward with our transfer. My dad’s sudden passing definitely jolted us, but we took it as a sign from God that this would be it for us. We had been through enough in the past three months and there was no other way to go but up.

A FET is completely different from fresh IVF. There are way less drugs and injections. Way less stress on your body. It felt so much better. However, you still have to do the daily PIO (progesterone in oil) shots with the 1 1/2″ needle. As painful as they are, if it helps the baby, you do it. You make yourself do it. I was on Estradiol daily as well to build up my lining for transfer.

Transfer was set for April 21 – ironically during National Infertility Awareness Week. For some reason, I took that as another “sign” that this would finally be our time.

My mom came down to watch the transfer and it was so special having her be there. She’s been one of our biggest cheerleaders and support systems. We got to the clinic at 10am and scheduled for a 10:10am transfer. You have to drink 24-32oz of water prior to transfer because it helps with ultrasound to guide proper transfer of the embryos. I had to pee SO bad. SO bad. But I made it through. They brought us to the transfer room, only to come get us immediately after because one embryo did not survive the thaw. We were planning on transferring two of the three, leaving us with one left. So, we transferred our LAST two remaining embryos on April 21, 2015. We put our faith in God, prayed so much, and waited for our blood pregnancy test nine days later.

Often referred to as the two week wait (TWW), instead of fourteen days we only had to wait nine. Because our embryos were frozen on day 5, we were already that much ahead of schedule – if that makes sense.

I already knew I was pregnant at 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer; 10dpo). I had all the same symptoms as when I first got pregnant in November 2014. The headaches, the nausea, the exhaustion, and the dizzy spells. I began POAS (peeing on a stick) and started getting “+” tests. My first HcG beta was 107! My clinic looks for anything over 50. We were thrilled. But, as we had seen how quickly it can all come crashing down on you, we were cautiously optimistic.

The next couple weeks my blood levels continued to rise as they would in a healthy pregnancy. My nurse even did a “top secret” ultrasound for me at 5w4d pregnant & I saw the yolk sac, gestational sac, and fetal pole. I saw our little baby. Tears welled up in my eyes and I was overjoyed. Our “official” ultrasound was scheduled for today, May 20 at 11am. Hoping to see a heartbeat.

But that wouldn’t happen. On Sunday (May 17 at 6w3d pregnant) I woke up and went to the bathroom like normal. Except something felt different. I looked in the toilet bowl and it was bright red. Horrible sign during pregnancy, especially early pregnancy. Nothing can prepare you to see a toilet bowl that turns red when pregnant. NOTHING. Your world comes crashing down, your heart breaks, the wind gets knocked out of you, and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop the miscarriage. Your baby that’s lived such a short life, had given us so much hope and excitement, was gone. We are devastated, frustrated, and at a loss for words. We have been thrown a lot these past six months. A lot. But it’s making us stronger.

We currently have no desire to continue our journey to three. I’ve put away  all my meds and needles. And anything that reminds me of this journey. It’s gone.

With all the challenges and emotional rollercoasters infertility has thrown me, I was beginning to feel so strong. But this….THIS BROKE ME.

All I ask, is that you pray for my husband and I. Pray for our strength to get through this awfully emotional time. Pray for all those struggling with infertility. It’s a disease, whether you chose to believe that or not, that affects 1 in 8 couples. Nobody deserves this.

We want to thank all of those who have been such an amazing support system. Our parents, our close friends, our extended family & of course our infertility community. We couldn’t have done any of this without any of you, so thank you.

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12 Comments

  1. No words will give you comfort right now…so I send my love, thoughts and prayers to Matt and you!!

    I wish there was more I could do, lest I know that is not possible.

    I am here for you, PIC…to be the shoulder to cry on if you need to, the ear to listen to you get angry, sad, or whatever you need.

    Love y’all so much ❤

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  2. Erin, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I don’t have any words… Please know I am here if you need anything. You are in my prayers. Xoxo

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  3. Oh hun! I am just so sorry. And there will never be any words I can say to heal your heart. But I will be praying for you. Because I know that He can do what only you need. And that is give you peace, comfort and healing. Sending you hugs. Xo

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  4. I know there’s nothing I can say but hopefully just knowing I am saying something and other ladies here are too can bring you comfort. That we are hear to ‘read’ you and share your pain xo

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