october.

It’s October 2, 2017 and I’m watching TV in bed. My husband is at work, so for me, it’s a typical Monday night. Except it’s not.

This month was our due date for our sweet, Baby Bello. My view to the TV should be obscured by my round belly. I should be feeling kicks from my baby girl. But, instead, I have my pup’s head, Duncan, resting on me, as I pet his head & tears stream down my face.
I think often of what got us to this point. All the IVF cycles, our six losses, and the 573 injections I took in my body for what I thought would be an exchange for a child. Boy, were we wrong. Instead I got six containers full of used needles I can’t seem to part with gathering dust in my basement.
I often see in the TTC community women stating that they would gladly do all the shots over again – but guess what, most if not all of those women had success. Me, I’m not sure I could ever do it again. The uncertainty that comes with infertility is sometimes too much for my mind to bear. Even with surrogacy, there’s no guarantee.
This weekend, we will be adding to that injection count as I begin stims on Saturday for our fifth egg retrieval. I am overcome with every emotion. But mostly, I’m terrified of the embryo quality and the PGS results.
My husband gave his sperm sample about two weeks ago. It’s frozen and ready to be united with my eggs in a couple of weeks – on most likely Baby Bello’s due date and our five year anniversary. Crazy to believe our future kids could be conceived on our anniversary. Although, it’s hard to hold out too much hope because a lot of times, all the bad we have been through makes it hard to escape the very real reality that even this might not work out for us.
Do I have hope? Absolutely. We wouldn’t be continuing down this road if we didn’t have any. Do we have faith? 100%. Was it tested time after time these past five years? 100%. But we still have it.
I’m praying that this will be our last retrieval. That these will be the final injections that I cringe with pain as they pierce my skin. I’m praying for our future embryos and for all six children we have lost. I’m praying for strength, bravery & heart when I feel like I can’t continue. Lord knows I’ve felt that more than a few dozen times.
I’m also praying for each and every one of my TTC sisters that are about to embark on their first IVF cycle. May you only have to go through this God-awful procedure one time. Because no one should ever have to experience it, not even once. Infertility is a bitch. An unfair, heartbreaking, soul crushing bitch.
I’ll try my best to keep y’all updated as the next couple weeks go on. Please send any extra prayers you have our way as this is absolutely the worst and most painful part for me.
XOXO, much love.
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6 Comments

  1. Be kind to yourself, Erin. Have some quality time with your Man and just let yourself cry it out. Still think of you almost every day.
    Take care. My heart is with you.
    Xoxoxo

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  2. Im so sorry for your losses. I can relate to so much of what you’ve said, we’re about to go into our fourth cycle. I’m trying to be balanced – hopeful with faith but realistic and grounded. That’s my aim anyway!! I’ll be looking out for your updates. Be kind to yourself, very best of luck and take care 💕💕

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