let your faith be bigger than your fear.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. I wanted a little boy and a little girl, who was the perfect mix of myself and their father.

Our journey to parenthood hasn’t been a “straight line” in the least; rather, hundreds of different loops, twists, and turns. We haven’t been blessed enough to get pregnant naturally, carry a child to term, hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound, or feel kicks in the womb. Instead, we have been struggling with infertility while it seems everyone around us is having babies, celebrating milestones with their kids, decorating nurseries, etc. The only photos I have of our babies are their first photos of them as little embryos, but they are everything to me.

As the week has gone on, the lump in my throat has gradually gotten bigger and bigger. I can hardly catch my breath. Tomorrow is a day we have been dreading for some time. Knowing that we have one embryo left, one last shot at this, after all we have been through, is hard. I’ve told a few people that we are going into this cycle with zero expectations, and believe me, we’ve tried, but how can we not have at least some hope and faith? It’s what has gotten us this far already. When we suffered failed transfer after failed transfer, miscarriage after miscarriage…hope and faith was there to pull us through to try time and time again.

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Whatever tomorrow brings, I must know that I have tried everything I could to bring a baby into this world. Hell, if you ask me, I’d like to think I even went above & beyond to try to have a child. You name it, I’ve tried it. Acupuncture, numerous doctor opinions, diet, exercise, PGS testing our embryos, no caffeine, pineapple core, Brazil nuts, pom juice, baby aspirin, Lovenox, infusions…the list goes on. I must know that I’m walking out of this journey a much stronger woman. I also must know that I have tried so very hard to raise awareness to this awful disease and bring support to those also suffering.

There is one person that’s been by my side EVERY SINGLE step of this journey, and that’s my husband. There are no words that I could even jumble together, that could fully express my appreciation for him, his strength and his guidance. He’s kept me afloat through the bad, held me while I sobbed, and shared joy with me when we had reason to celebrate. He’s at every doctor appointment that his schedule allows, always holding my hand. Sometimes, even driving separate to doctor office’s hours away because I had to go to work after. Without his constant love and support, I wouldn’t have made it through these past four years of infertility (three+ years of infertility treatments). He’s been my rock and my saving grace.

I want to thank each and every one of you that has continued to stand by our side with love and support through this journey. Some more than others, but at the end of the day, if you’ve supported us even once over the course of this, that’s enough for me. It’s almost overwhelming how many family, friends, TTC sisters, and strangers we have rooting and praying for us right now. The phone calls, texts, Facebook/IG messages, emails, etc mean the world to us and don’t go unnoticed…believe me! It gives me happy tears to know that we have so many people praying for us and I know that some people have added us to their prayer lists at their churches too — GOD is good and I believe in the power of prayer, so THANK YOU!

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Four years struggling with infertility, three Clomid cycles, three IUIs, six IVF transfers, and our final, 7th transfer tomorrow. That’s it. That’s all it comes down to. I ask that you please pray for our embryo to survive the thaw Thursday morning (we won’t know until the morning of transfer) and that it gets nestled in right at home for the next 9 months. Please pray that if things don’t go the way we want them to, that we find peace & comfort in knowing we have done all that we could and pray for our strength to move past this. I ask that you please respect that while we fully know this might not work, that we will need time to grieve. We have been on this journey for years now, suffered extreme losses, and if this doesn’t work, it will be another loss for us to try to cope with. Not something I’m prepared to do just yet.

If the embryo thaws and we have a transfer on Thursday, we aren’t going to be sharing when my blood pregnancy test is or the results until we are ready. I won’t be taking any home pregnancy tests so that I can enjoy being “pregnant” for maybe the last time in my life. We ask that you respect our privacy – we will share when we are ready to share.

All we can do right now, is put it all in the hands of God and believe in the power of prayer. So thank you all, again, for following our journey, supporting us, and the prayers. I hope to be updating you all with wonderful news soon ❤

 

XO,

Erin

 

 

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11 Comments

  1. I couldn’t have written these feelings better myself. Our last attempt is this week (Friday) as well. Much peace, love and blessings to you!

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  2. As my heart overflows with love & prayers for Matt & you…Please know I am here for you no matter what the outcome is!

    I am and will be praying for this embaby until y’all get to hold him & her in your arms! ❤

    The Journey ain't over…It's just beginning! 🙂

    So proud to call you my PIC ❤

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  3. Erin,

    We’ve never met, but feel we share a mutual bond through similar experiences we’ve had. We too went to Advanced Fertility of Chicago for several cycles of IVF and FETs. We know the pain of failed attempts and had to go through 3 of them before we got a positive. You are such a warrior and we will definitely pray for a successful transfer, pregnancy, and live birth. Just know that the Lord holds you, your husband, and your children all in the same arms and loves you very much. Sending hugs and baby dust your way. God bless!

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  4. I stumbled upon your blog, and I just want to tell you, you are not alone. I have been dealing with my own infertility due to immune issues for the past 2 years. I have had 5 miscarriages – with only one making it to 8 weeks. I have been diagnosed with high NK cells activity and elevated TNFa which I can’t seem to get down w/out expensive treatment that my insurance doesn’t cover. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers. It’s a hard road no one wants to go down…though we are forced to. If you want to ever chat – or need someone to vent to who relates exactly with what you’re up against – feel free to contact me. kickassi12@yahoo.com
    I have a blog as well if you would like to check it out too:

    http://codesandkeyss.blogspot.com/

    I am in the TWW of trying for number 6 now and I just am scared to death on how this will turn out. I wish you the best of luck with everything!

    Sincerely,
    Kassi

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    1. Kassi,

      Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the kind words. This infertility community continues to amaze me EVERY single day. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through as well, this isn’t easy and you are a warrior and a trooper! Sounds like our stories are very, very similar. I can’t wait to check out your blog girl. My prayers are with you during this TWW on #6! XOXO, Erin

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