Apprehensive. Anxious. Afraid.

I can hardly believe that I am writing a new post right now. We’ve taken the summer off from infertility and it has honestly been amazing, refreshing, and much needed. The best thing we have ever done. Summer is about half way over so that means it’s time to think about and prepare for our next step. We have had a wonderful, fun summer thus far. We’ve been camping with our families, boating with our friends, had a day date at the shooting range, and will be going to a concert this weekend with my cousins — I’m SO excited. The rest of the summer is full of cookouts, family visits, birthday parties, and time for friends. Time goes so fast…doesn’t it?!?!?

In the next couple months, we will start IVF cycle #3. NUMBER 3…I honestly never even thought I’d ever even need IVF #1…let alone our #2 cycle with our frozen transfer. If you want me to be completely honest with you…I’m scared shitless (pardon my language). Absolutely 100% terrified. The past couple months have felt so good, being so carefree, and enjoying life. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it. If I didn’t want to be a mother so bad I would have given up a long time ago. But, soon enough we will be back at our second home – Advanced Fertility Centers of Chicago. The medication, injections, prodding & poking will start. The side effects will kick in. The what ifs and no guarantees will be a constant in my thoughts. I know, I know — it’s completely out of our control so there’s nothing left to do but let go & give it to God, right? Wrong. I have all my faith in God. Trust me, I do. But the worrying and what ifs never go away. Easier said than done.

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My husband & I have decided that even though our blood tests have come back as “normal” we are still opting to do PGS/PGD (genetic) testing. It will be costly, but it will give us the BEST chance for live birth. With anything, there are risks involved. There’s a chance the chemical make up of the embryo could be harmed (small) & we run the risk of NONE of the embryos coming back “normal” for transfer. But, we have faith and most of all, we have each other. And, we have the support and prayers of all of you. So thank you. After retrieval (which I am DREADING; it’s the worst) a small piece of the embryo is taken for biopsy & shipped to the lab in Michigan and the embryos are frozen (at our clinic). Once we get results, the “normal” embryo(s) will be transferred a couple/few months later.

I’ve continued to have a love/hate relationship with social media. It’s probably one of the biggest instigators of my emotions when it comes to infertility. I can’t believe the number of women who COMPLAIN about being pregnant…when I see statuses like that it is like nails on a chalkboard. Oh you’re too hot in the summer? Too bad. Oh you can’t drink when pregnant? That’s really an issue???? Drives me INSANE. Then you have the pregnancy announcements…newborn photos…monthly updates…ugh. All constant reminders. Or the mailings we get of new birth announcements. Sorry, but they don’t last long at our house. Yes, we are happy for you. For once, we just wish like hell it was us. I hope and pray that people learn to appreciate these sorts of things in their lives. You’re so blessed.

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The number one thing I LOVE about infertility & social media (in regards to social media) is INSTAGRAM. By far, one of the best things I have EVER done while on this journey. I created a private Instagram account for the TTC/Infertilty community only. The support, answered questions, and the bond I’ve created with these women has surpassed anything I could ever imagine. We are such a tight-knit community & I am SO proud to be a part of it. I love all you ladies and thank you for EVERYTHING. We are some of the biggest cheerleaders for each other & it’s so wonderful to see and even better to be a part of it.

Lastly, I ask that you all keep my husband & I & our infertility community in your prayers. We need your strength, support, and prayers to keep going day to day.

 

Love to you all. XOXO.

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2 Comments

  1. i can’t say I understand what u are going through becus I don’t. I just want u to know that you are one of the strongest people I Know reading all ur blogs. If i were in ur shoes I don’t know how I would like pictures of babies and mommies. I applaud you for liking and commenting on my pictures. Again I don’t know how u do it but damn u are a strong strong women. I wish you the most luck in the world to be a mommy.u have me thinking about things in such different ways everytime i read ur blog posts thank you Erin!!! Best wishes!!!

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