How?

HOW?: Such a simple question, but such complex answers that I wish I knew.

Over the past several weeks, I have struggled so much with the hows, the whys, the what ifs…praying that some day in the near future it begins to get easier for me. And my husband.

HOW did this happen to us?

HOW did we get here?

HOW do I continue to find the strength to push forward?

HOW do I find the courage to start our next IVF cycle?

HOW come it isn’t our turn yet?

Each day that passes brings us closer to our next attempt at IVF {frozen cycle}. Just thinking about it makes me physically tremble. It terrifies me. Trust me, I absolutely know that we are not the only ones that struggle to get pregnant, go through fertility treatments, miscarry, etc. — but, this is just our story and my feelings throughout our journey to three.

How did something that is typically so exciting and NATURAL {trying for a baby}, turn into THIS? Several people have told me “At least you know you can get pregnant” and believe me – I’ve told myself the same thing – but what good is it if I can’t STAY pregnant? This was my first miscarriage {and I know women that have had several} but how do you find the courage to try again and pray that you don’t miscarry again? If we could conceive naturally, I think it would be easier for me to try again. Instead, we are spending more money on something that has no guarantees, investing more of our time, and plugging my body full of so much medicine – it isn’t natural. It’s what we signed up for, I get it – we want a baby more than anything, I just wish it was “easier”

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times someone has told us “I know exactly how you feel” or “It just wasn’t your time” — EXCUSE ME?! You know exactly how I feel because you have been through surgeries that have removed essential organs to conceiving? You know exactly how I feel because you have had to see a fertility specialist to get pregnant? You know exactly how I feel because it took you days/months/years to get pregnant NATURALLY? You know exactly how I feel because you think you’ve struggled the “same”? Well, forgive me, but you do NOT know exactly how I feel. Not one bit. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Every person’s struggle is different and unique to THEM, so forgive me when I say YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Do you know how inferior us “infertile” women feel compared to the “fertile” women who can get pregnant naturally? I am SO ungodly jealous of all of you women. And I hope you know how lucky you all are. I feel like I “cheated” to get pregnant every single day. I feel like my pregnancy wasn’t as special because I got pregnant through a test tube. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that there’s no difference, but I just don’t feel that way, I’m sorry.

I apologize this post has been brutally honest. I just want people to REALLY understand the effects of infertility. Not just “assume” they know.

So, the question “HOW?” — right now it can’t be answered. Who knows if it will ever be. All I know is that I cannot give up. My husband never gave up when he faced death in the Iraqi war. Our entire time together has been countdowns. Countdowns to the end of deployments, countdowns until we saw each other next, countdowns until he moved home, countdowns until marriage, and now the LONGEST countdown, but most precious. The countdown until we can bring life into this world.