Emotional Rollercoaster

Well, the clinic called me Thursday afternoon & I was instructed to take 75iu of Follistim for 2 days & return to the clinic Saturday morning for another ultrasound & blood work. My nurse told me that my RE said she’d cancel the IUI if I got any more follicles that mature. 

We went to the clinic on Saturday & I was honestly expecting to have the 2 or 3 follicles on my right size either at or very close to maturity. Wrong. I had SIX follicles on my right side. SIX. Two were measuring at 14, one at 13, one at 12, and two at 11. I also had two on my left side measuring at 11 & 12, but my RE isn’t really concerned about my left side because of no Fallopian tube. 

I left the clinic feeling completely bummed & discouraged, knowing there’d be no way my RE would allow the IUI. So many thoughts ran through my head, as they often do, on this journey to three. Infertility is the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve felt, and often still feel, like such a failure not being able to conceive naturally. As a woman, I feel like it’s such a blessing & a miracle to carry a child but yet, I can’t do that naturally. It’s so unfair & my heartbreaks for all the other women going through this process. I recently came across another infertility blog that explains what it feels like to go through infertility to a t. 

“My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a single solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby. 

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. 

I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, and wait for pregnancy. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will it last? What if I’m never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much?  I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future. 

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises, I think I’m losing my perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this. 

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. “

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I pray these emotions and this process become easier at some point. You’re lifted up, only to be put down again. IT’S NOT FAIR. 

The clinic called me Saturday afternoon to give me my instructions. To my surprise, my RE has not canceled the IUI yet. I took 175iu of Follistim last night, I’ll take 150iu tonight, & back at the clinic tomorrow AM before work. While I’m thrilled my IUI hasn’t been canceled yet, I’m trying not to get my hopes up. 

This emotional rollercoaster can stop any day now…

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